Quarter Life Crisis

Don't get me wrong--I lead a pretty charmed life.

I don't make a lot, but I make enough for a roof, food, and generosity to others. In the end, that's all you really need. I love my family, my housemates are kind are loving, my fiance (yeah I'm engaged now) is a great match for me, my job provides me with financial resources and good friends, Northwest Arkansas (for all its chicken smells and bad cousin-kissin' jokes) is actually a wonderful place to live, and we even are in the process of buying a home.

All good things.

In the quiet moments, though, as I'm responding to emails in my half-cubicle, dressed in a blazer, heels, and slacks, I wonder how I've let myself become myself.

I wrote a poem while in college about flowers and domestication which included the bitter line, "twist me beautiful, make me useful" and the hope that, if the flower were quiet enough, no one would notice its freedom and commandeer it.

Though high-strung, achievement-drivenness is something which has always characterized me, free-spiritedness did as well.

Yes, I scored highly in high school, but I made my final speech colorful and snarky. Yes, I scored highly in college, but I never ceased to attempt to overthrow the academic lead blanket. Even in my Master's program, I combined different subjects, drew from erraticisms, and made brand new arguments. I didn't score high, but I was original.

Barefoot, loose-haired, sun-dressed, sun-kissed, nerdy. I've always struggled with fitting in, but fitting "me" has never felt such a struggle.

I've traded in my whole self it feels like, and I don't fit here in this world.
Is this what every mid-twenties person feels like? Is this growing up, or is this what it feels like to betray your personhood?

I've always believed that God doesn't give us gifts or passions without the desire to use them, but maybe I'm wrong. And, if I were to be honest with myself, I don't even know what a profession selected for my gifts and passions would look like. I've forgotten how to do anything other than waking up, sitting at my desk, going home to Netflix, and falling asleep at a decent hour.

I'm boring.
And everything else sounds absolutely exhausting.
Because, yes, change is at my fingertips.
But I'm tired. I'm in an open-office layout, and my job forces me to be extroverted all day long. No, I don't want to hang out with more humans after work. Perpetual input and output exhausts me for anything other than soul-numbing sitcoms.

We don't work to live; we live to work.

A week or two ago, it was time to decide whether or not to renew my contract. I took multiple skill assessment tests online to see what kind of profession my particular set of differences would make me suited for.

"Craftsman" isn't going to get me far. I'll end up as a John-the-Baptist-in-the-Wilderness type woman with an Etsy store and three teeth.
But would I be happy? Would I feel fulfilled?

On Authority and Noserings or "Because I'm Willing"

Who I was in college is no secret.

With my long, blonde curls, my loose fitting clothing, my barefootedness, my hooped nosering, and my refusal to wear makeup, I was your classic flower child. Shoot, I was even in an indie band. 

My favorite story was the time I spoke in a board meeting in my hot pink, tye dye sundress, mud on my ankles included. 

Needless to say, my transition to "professional" has been difficult. 

I have had to have "conference room tweaking chats" about things I never would have dreamed would be a problem, like walking on the grass or my nosering (okay, yes, I did have a couple nightmares about that one). 

Wearing shoes, sitting at a desk, learning how to be a classy, polished lady, does not come naturally, and, though I ask for direction often, I don't always feel as though I'm given clear paths. Mostly, because a lot of the things I have come into conflict with have been things that a lot of people would implicitly understand. 

Being an extremely literal person (and a drugless hippie), that implicit understanding skipped me. And, to be honest, sometimes the direction I'm given goes so completely against everything I am. 

For example, it's difficult for me to have a sunny attitude about A. keeping my shoes on and B. keeping my bare feet out of the grass. 

Yesterday, there was a pretty brutal "tweaking" conversation with me that took me wholly off-guard. 

I left it frustrated and confused and sad, confused at why God had brought me back here to fail again and again and again. 

Then, last night, I went to my craigslist Bible study with my boyfriend Julius (the only one in the group who would be able to appreciate the irony of the topic for the evening). 

You ever read First or Second Peter? Yah? Good. Then you know where I'm going with this. 

No? Well, let me tell you. 

The main focus is pursuing harmony, repaying evil with good, submitting to authority with a humble heart, and prayer. 

KEY POINT A: 

1 Peter 4 talks about keeping a clear mind and self control in order that you may pray. 

Now, you may think, "What???!" 

But it makes sense. Track with me here. 

You are attacked with a mixture of truth and anger. 

You respond with cortisol (stress hormone), a mess of tears, confusion, frustration, and all kinds of other stuff. Your heart and mind are so stuffed with hot emotion that there isn't any room to understand. 

It's when you take every thought captive (self  control) and quiet yourself (clear your mind) that you can glean the truth, humble yourself, see areas of need for both growth and grace, and learn how to pray well, both for yourself and the other party involved. 

KEY POINT B: 

1 Peter 5 speaks to the elders of the church about taking care of those underneath them, but what Peter says I think is applicable to us all. He exhorts them to do good "not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not pursuing dishonest gain, but eager to serve".

I used to be a debater, so I read a lot about Jean Lacques' social contract.
When you enter into a society, there is an implicit (sometimes explicit) set of social rules and regulations that you agree to adhere to (again, formal or informal). 

When you break that social contract, you open yourself to correction because you have removed yourself from the "society". You following? 

I entered into this world and this job and this university willingly. The things they have asked of me are not things which come naturally, but they are things that I will adjust, not because I must but because I am willing; because I love my job and my university and my students/families alike. 

My approach has been with the wrong heart. I'm not sure I would go so far as to say it's been for "dishonest gain", but it also hasn't been with an "eager to serve" spirit. 

So, it's time to take a Devil Wears Prada attitude and amp it up. 

The hoop is gone, the heels are on, and, with coffee cup in hand and a smile on my face, I'm tearlessly, fearlessly here, at my desk, ready to recruit.