Ghosts of High Schools Past

Today I went and guest spoke in an apologetics class full of high school seniors. Specifically high school seniors at my own alma mater Metro.

Did I prepare anything? No. The way I figured, I don't really have anything particularly insightful to share, so if the Lord had the audacity to stick me in a classroom full of  preppy 18 and 19 year olds then he also has the audacity to stick an hour's worth of words in my mouth. 

I can't say that the power of the Lord filled the room and all spoke in tongues, but I can say I had their attention by the end of my talk.

We went through several subjects, like my belief in the power of ordinariness, but they also wanted to talk about authenticity and relationship building. It was that particular answer that shocked them.

I brought into the conversation my aforementioned idea of failure vs. not yet able to succeed in relation to building deep relationships. Some people in high school (myself included) straight up aren't in a place where they are ready to or know themselves enough to make deep friendships or conversation.

And that's okay.

Then, they said that one of the main reasons why they would shy away from "big talks" is that other people might think they're weird, to which I replied, "high school doesn't matter." (you gotta make sweeping statements to snap out snobby snoozers).

But really, my point was (and don't worry. I expounded the point with them as well) that they're seniors. That means, they've got four and a half months left with people that they will probably never have significant interaction with again.

That means, it doesn't freakin' matter if they think you're weird and honestly, in the  future, they will look back at your boldness and security in self and be not only impressed but a little wistful that they hadn't started living their lives earlier.

Joining Winter Guard (the most socially unacceptable move I made in high school hands down) was the first step I ever made in embracing my weirdness, flaunting it even. In a blue spandex onesie. I joined without knowing anybody, got made fun of by everybody, and I still look back and see that it was the most fun I had in school and am still thrilled I did it.

So I told them, they have a question to ask themselves: Deep down, do I really want (am I ready to) to live for me or do I really want to live for God?

If the answer is truly "me," then keep on walking down that journey of selfishness and shallowness. You wouldn't be able to hear God even if he tried to talk to you.

BUT, if the answer is "God," then those social things will stop mattering. He honors the requests of those who really do want to learn how to love him better and live out of their true selves. It takes work. And pain. And isn't socially acceptable or fun at times, but it's satisfying.

You can be good on your own. Good at activities, good at social-ness, good at life, really. But you can't be great. And it won't satisfy.

I left them with that option. They can either continue conforming to the social strata that they've set for themselves, or they can start living and creating and having fun fearlessly being themselves now.

Forbearance: Patient Endurance

I know what I said about girls calling boys their "little brother" but, like many stereotypical girl moves I make fun of, I am an exception to this rule (don't worry. I'm guilty of a whole host of other things).

Today, I co-babysat with my "little brother" from high school, Taylor Pride. I don't think he and I have seen each other or talked for about two years, but my senior year of high school? We were besties. His word, not mine.

Junior-Senior prom. Caity and I robbed the cradle and went with Juniors. Taylor asked Caity & Will (Tay's best friend) asked me. It. Was. Epic.

By co-babysat, I mean LibbyRosie slept, and Taylor and I chatted it up. He's doing International Relations up at Wheaton in Chicago.

Meeting new friends at University or even reconnecting with old friends is often frustrating. Either you have to give 22 years of backstory for the current story to make sense, or you have to catch up on however long you've been absent in order for your story to make sense.

But then there are those people that the story doesn't matter as much as the heart. I try to collect (or at least keep) as many of those people as I can. Taylor is one of them.

We spent the better part of our time together "real talk[ing]", as he puts it.

Along with arranged marriages, divorce, cross-cultural differences about both of those topics, and being a spy, one of his main proposed topic questions was, "Why do people of our generation try to avoid pain and hardship?"

My response? "It's painful. And hard."

It was a good question, though. We're a pretty hedonistic society.

When something stops "feeling" good, we take it as a sign that it isn't good anymore, and we go seeking for the nearest available thing that will give us that feel-good feeling again as quickly as possible. A very processed sugar society.

But insta-happiness, like processed sugar, only lasts so long, and the crash hits hard. Because you're not spinning life with anything substantive. When the crises of life come, you think that cotton candy is going to protect you or give you the strength you need for a long-term struggle? No.

My cousin Kristina said that in the army, they repeated to themselves the mantra, "Embrace the suck."
They'd be sweating and feeling like Hell out on the field, but there wasn't any way to make it end sooner, so, they just had to engage with it. Accept that it was going to happen.

They survived it. "The Suck", while sucky, made them strong.

I think it's about time more of us learned to embrace the suck, suck it up, and start taking the time to seek out and build our lives with complex sugars. They may not taste as good on the go-down, but when the fight comes, they will be what give fortitude enough to continue on in a manner which will bring glory to the one who created us.

The Makings Of

Today is my twenty-second birthday.
Old, but I'm not that old. 
This is also the first birthday that I've actually truly felt ready to be the age I'm turning. I remember driving around Tulsa on the eve of my twentieth in an absolute panic, not ready to leave my teenage years.

For this birthday post, I'm going to drive you on a brief tour through the past six birthdays. Each section heading is the name of a mix CD my best friend Caity made for me on every birthday. Also, it should be noted that since I'm a student, the years are counted by grade.

Dance Like You're 18

It's senior year of high school, characterized by determination.
I was out to stick it to the world. Who I was was what I was involved in or achieved:
-Student Council Chaplain
-Worship team leader
-Debate team
-Winter Guard captain
-Swim team member
-Bowling team captain
-National Honor Society
-National French Honor Society
-French Club vice president
-Salutatorian (co-salutatorian with Fran Brower. Our speech at graduation was absolutely so fun).
Traveled to:
-Colorado with the senior class
-Chicago with AP Biology and AP Art
Notables:
-Acquired the friendship of a Miss Caity Kullen (Roberts) and, with Haley Vogt, formed the Trifecta.
-Gained an entire friend group due to a popular girl deciding I was "hott" one day.
-Niece Gianna Aloisio born to brother Joey and wife Cristin
-Brother Jacob married to now wife Allison
"My People":
Haley Vogt
Caity Kullen
Dehra McGuire
John Brothers
Taylor Pride
Will Watkins
That Summer, I lifeguarded and taught the Naval Art of War (canoeing) at New Life Ranch and got my nose pierced.
19: Eat your feelings. Boyfriend forgot the birthday. 

Welcome to my Freshman year of college!
The first semester was an absolute dream. Everybody's first semester of college should be like mine.
Timeline:
-Tried out for a play for a joke. Scored one of six parts. Annelle in Steel Magnolias. 
-Had a super tight friend group of artsy type folks. Spontaneous dancing, singing in trees, and group adventuring was a must.
-First boyfriend. Fell in love--hard.
-Spontaneously traveled to Chicago with a carfull of friends.
-Eating disorder hit highest point of unhealthy.
-Best friend literally lost her mind. Was thousands of miles separated from her.
-Boyfriend shattered my heart.

-Lost entire friend group. The ex got custody, apparently.
-Fell in love with Jesus--hard--in an absolute, final way.
-Delivered completely and instantly from eating disorder.
-Joined a band with friend Jordan Weeks.
-Presented a paper at a regional academic conference.
-Reconnected with camp best friend Kira.
-Restoration of best friend's sanity. Thank you, Jesus.
Spent the summer in Tulsa with Kira and Haley. Lifeguarded at the Jewish Community Center. Together, we created Monday Game Night. Everybody the three of us collectively knew in Tulsa came. It was a blast.
My People:
Matt Tintera
Abby Fennema
Allison Harper (roommate)
Peter Myers
Adam Howard
[the mass rest of the "granola poser" friendgroup]
Trifecta & Kira

20 Years Young
Made it! Helloooooo junemore year! (I combined sophomore and junior year)

This was a year characterized by dryness and slow growth. Not a good year, not a bad year. Just kind of...existent.
I was an orientation leader with Drew Duffy and also an Honors Orientation Leader of six blonde girls.
That, actually, was truly significant. I continued to mentor one of those girls throughout the remainder of my time at JBU.

Got a job working as a content developer for Creative Content Experts.
During Spring Break, I went to Jackson, Mississippi for a week long missions team thing and dug a trench.
Gained niece Libby Rose, born to brother Jon and wife Emily.
I presented my favorite college paper at a regional academic conference (the sacramental theology of spit)
This was also the year of my...boycott. It's exactly what it sounds like. I didn't do it legalistically or as a rule, there were just a lot of instances which occurred the second half of my Freshman year/summer that really put me off to any form of interaction with guys.
That summer I traveled to Northern Ireland with the Family and Human Services team. Fell in love with the country and culture. The rest of the summer, I interned for Tate Publishing. Among other things, I actually got to be both the ghost editor and "back matter" writer for a whole book. 
My people:
Lauren Ware (roommate)
Laura Parker (first semester)
Abby Chestnut (second semester transfer)
Anna Jackson (a reconnection from camp years)
Tracy Balzer (mentor)
Trifecta and Kira

Young and Wild and 21
Senior year was characterized by deep satisfaction and fountains of happiness and joy.
Sure, there were struggles and anxieties and I was really busy most of the time, but it was very near perfect.

-Orientation leader with Steve Sullivant.
-Class mentor for a Freshman Orientation Harry Potter course
-Spoke in chapel.
-Fell in love again, different than the first time.
 -Began mentoring another girl in addition to my H/O blonde.
-Taught Sunday School
-Played a pink panther and an assassin in another JBU production
-Wrote for the Threefold Advocate student newspaper
-Traveled to Chicago again for a weekend "immersion" trip.
-Lived in an intercultural townhouse. Abby and I found them on the eaglenet classifieds. It was amazing. A vanilla latte dream of latina/gringa goodness.
-Best friend Kira engaged to Tyler, best friend Caity engaged to Greg, niece Ella born to brother Jacob and wife Allison.
-Was accepted to Denver Seminary and Queen's University, Belfast.
-Spring Break Missions in New Orleans. Learned how to insulate a house.
-Wrote two books: WaterWorks and Woodsy
-Presented work at a national academic conference in Wisconsin.
-Placed 4th in a national writing contest for a paper on homelessness. 
-Graduated John Brown  University
-Cut off 9 inches of my hair.
The summer was spent in two parts. The first, I waitressed at Ted's Cafe Escondido. It was great learning experience, but I was unable to continue. The second, I worked with  my father at Iron Cross Automotive. Loved it. On the weekends, though, I trekked up to Siloam Springs and got loved on by my best friends. It was perfect. The best year of my life. No regrets.

My people:
Noah Baslé
Abby Chestnut (roommate)
The Perch (housemates)
Madison Stewart
Becca Ridings (Irish studies roommate)
Leslie Lancaster (Irish studies roommate)
Kristina Grimes Pugatch (cousin)
Steve Sullivant
Daniel Williams
Andrew Layden
Peter Myers
Adam Howard
Trifecta and Kira
Anna
Tracy Balzer (mentor)

I Guess We Made It, or At Least We Made it this far. 22. 

Results inconclusive. 

Highlights Reel

There needs to be some temperance here. I'm not all doom and gloom.

Lovely moments since I've been home (old pictures):

*the reunion between Jamie and Kraft Mac and Cheese (one of those odd cultural cravings)
*My best friend coming over the evening I got home. She was very kind about the fact that I was practically asleep in front of her.

*Coffee with my friend Anna. We have the most consistent friendship of all my acquaintances. Once a month, without fail, we spend time together.

*Drinks with Maddie Stewart. I don't know how to describe her. The perfect combination of sass, spiritual, and snuggles.

*Sleepover with Heather, Becca, and Allison.

*Getting to see the happy shock of several of my friends to see me in the country.
*meeting my nephew, Superfly. Or Sam. I prefer the former, though the latter is pretty good. :) Baby snuggles cannot be topped, really. And he makes the sweetest wee grunts when he's asleep. They're so contented.

*More bonding time. This time with my dear friend, Sadie. She's one of those friends with which humor and spirituality are always pretty tightly knit.

*lots and lots of this handsome guy.

*driving. There have only been two incidents of "what's this guy doing in my freakin'...NOT MY LANE! NOT MY LANE! NI's got me all mixed around.
*yesterday, I was shopping and got caught waiting in line between four sassy black ladies. We had a great talk. I've missed black people. There are three in Belfast. Really. Like there actually are just three.
*Today I went out with one of my mentors. She was my high school AP Biology and Anatomy/Physiology teacher turned friend/mentor. Giant. More giant than I am, bigger boned, louder, and always wears big ole heels (a trait I have recently embraced for myself). All that, and she can work a sex talk into any conversation topic. It's like a spiritual gift. She used to do it on purpose during class to watch me about crawl under my desk embarrassed.

*my ma drawing tattoos and facial hair on lingerie models in a magazine

I have no idea how or why this picture is snowing. That didn't happen, and I'm not smart enough with technology to make that. But the picture and the ice behind the fake snow is real! aha! "google + 'auto awesome'" did this. 

and this: 

This is so fun! 

And this is the United Airways Dublin way of saying, "You're about to be in the USA! Get pumped!"

 My beautiful Oklahoma.

Tulsa from the plane. :)

*and last but very much not least (and I'm sure I'm forgetting several), I finished two of my three papers. 

24 hours, 19 sources, and 6400 words.