Lovely.

"Nothing is more practical than finding God,
That is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way,
What you are in love with,
What seizes your imagination,
Will affect everything.
It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning,
What you will do with your evenings,
How you will spend your weekends,
What you know,
What breaks your heart,
And what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
Fall in love,
Stay in love,
And it will decide everything." - Pedro Arrupe

the denaturation of life.

i'm finding more and more that things change. sometimes it's good change, sometimes it's bad change, sometimes it's just...different. Sometimes it's the hardest kind of change. The kind that you know is good for the other person, but you can't help but feel as though you've lost something. sometimes that change comes from within. like how i'm learning more and more that there is so much more to life than highschool drama and grades. sometimes it's just easier on our hearts to focus on our own little spectrums, because we know that when we look out, we won't like what we see. sometimes the change is external, like a marriage or a new baby. sometimes in relationships, only one person notices the change. like the effects of a marriage. it's quite interesting actually. i'm the only sibling left at home. my three older brothers are eigher moved out or married or both. i've always felt like my oldest brother, although i love him dearly, was more like an uncle. i mean really? he's fourteen years older. we never really had sibling fights or anything like that. the middle brother is mostly the same. i remember a time waaaay back when we played together, but then he kinda became an uncle figure too. my youngest brother was my worst enemy and my best friend. he was the character that made me sign contracts and enslaved me and played gi-joes and barbies in the christmas tree and make me sit under his djembe in the truck. i just felt like we could talk about anything and i kinda followed him like a puppy. it's interesting the way his marriage has effected our relationship. it's made him a better man. by a long run. and i love my sister in law dearly. but he came home to visit this week, and it was just...different. it's like when we started out with our little family it was a bubble. then one by one each brother left the bubble. and now i'm the only one left. they are just at this place of friendship and relationship that i cannot cross over to. this week has made this even more apparent. it's an irreversible change. it's the change that has made him what he is today, but it's also the change that ended the beauty of our silly sibling realtionship. i can't stand it. i just want them to go home. the more they stay here the more i am hit with this terrible newness. i think it's funny how i can be a normal human being around all my friends, but the second i get around my family or those i want to impress, i become a 7 year old whiny girl. it's interesting.