running with bananas

i'm a pianist. i love the way i can make a page of notes, and make it music. my music. not the way the markings on the page dictate that i should play it, but the way that i make it come out. my piano teacher doesn't appreciate my disreguard of said dynamic markings. she sucks my life and passion and energy out of a song and makes it so cut and dry. i feel like that's the way so many things are. like writing. i really enjoy it, and i'm pretty good. but after it's been put in a form and proofread until it bleeds, it's like it's not even mine. i think we should all run around hugging trees, eat bananas, and prance around in sundresses and chacos in warm sunlit fields. that's what i think. mmhm.

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Mrs. Burkhalter came up to school today with baby Raegan, but all i could think when i saw them was placenta placenta placenta...haha Amy and Zac.

in a nutshell

so here is my mind's direction tonight in a nutshell...well i think. it may end up to be a pretty big nutshell.

1) i miss Sarah. i miss spending every weekend being silly and telling stories and having fun, playing mermaids, making brownies, spaghetti, and applesauce that no human could possibly consume, being my best friend. i wish i could make those moments stay forever. i wish i wasn't constantly worried that she's gonna overdose, or get hurt, or i don't know, i can't even think about her anymore and not cry. i just hurt all the time. i lost the person i most held dear in the world.

2) strong enough passions can kill you, mentally, physically, or emotionally. i fear my passions.

3) i'm afraid that as much as i hate to admit it, i've begun to stop believing and trusting that G-d is on my side. don't freak. i love him, i'm just hurting. and don't feed me any of that he'll never leave me or forsake me. i know that, but you know what? it'd be nice to feel that sometimes.

4) i have begun to realise that the 14 honors/AP classes i have planned out for myself the next 2 years is worthless. i don't even know why i do it. i am so driven, but for what? for a title that won't matter in 3 years? no, not entirely. it's this weird internal desire to prove myself. but to whom? to my parents? i don't know. but more and more i'm thinking that it's myself.

"man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has, lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreampt at all..."

happiness

what is happiness? is it simply the absence of unhappiness, or is the absence of unhappiness another feeling entirely? and in such a case, what is that feeling called? just my random spouting.

3 outlets of hope

my loyalty is both my greatest asset and my worst downfall. it has brought me the fiercest of friendships and also the most extreme heartbreaks. God has been messing with me for 6 years. He'll give me glimpses of hope for my girls, then he'll dash it away in the most wretched ways. recently, i completely rebuked Sarah and told her that i thought she was an absolute idiot. that i loved her, but hated that she was throwing away the potential that God gave her. today i get to church, the dalton's aren't there. afterwards, i went over to give their grandparents hugs like always and they appear out of nowhere. Sarah came right up and hugged me, i thought we were done, but i realised she had yet to let go. There has been a change. there was no pretense, no awkwardness, it was just like there hadn't been 6 years of lies and destruction in that hug. 1 Corinthians 13 and now these three remain, faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love. i have three outlets of hope today. i have a number, a hug, and a promise. I have her new cell number, a promise of coming wednesday, and i have a hug that represents to me at least, a change. and this time i managed to keep my tears in until i turned and walked away. give thanks to the LORD for he is good.

easter

one of the days i dread. being around family members i can't stand partly because they kinda creep me out and kinda because i have to be sooo careful about what i can and cannot say. also it is one of the few church services that the Dalton family attends. For all who don't know, Sarah and Shelby Dalton have been my best friends since birth. But every time i see them, all i can see is the past, because if i focus on the present, i break down and cry right there in front of them. i long for the day when they wake up and realise they have nothing left. maybe then they'll stop being idiots and lean on God instead of....well yeah. it's supposed to represent a day of hope, of strength, and of restoration. but growing inside me every year is a desperate wish that it wouldn't come because all i find in it is fakeness, idle faith, and dimming hope. who knows, maybe this year will be different.

1 Corinthians 13

100 years

lately i've been getting bored. not just bored as in let's go to the park but just bored with life in itself. i feel as though i could be doing so much more with my life than what i am. but in order to achieve those things i require the preparation of the tediousness of my life as it is now. uh. why are some things just an endless cycle of emptiness? empty conversations, empty days, empty life. i feel like there is so much more to do than this, just studying and studying to become someone more. i want to be a brain surgeon, i want to travel, i want to have a family and fun. i want to have an endless source of long, interesting, intellectual conversations. it just feels like we spend our whole lives preparing for the future that when we get there, we'll wish we had done more in our past. i don't know. it just seems odd that we spend about a third of our hundred years wishing they go more quickly and the rest craving that which we have lost.

a change of outlook

i think i'm finally becomming someone i can like. for years i've struggled with my identity. as a person, a student, a friend, and a family member. i've never felt like i've been good enough for anyone, let alone God. i hurt or am hurt by anyone i've ever loved, so i've become some sort of weird built-up person. i've made some acquaintances lately though, that i think might change my life. i often feel lonely, like no one thinks like i do, and these people do. it is refreshing, and wonderful.

an old man was walking alone the beach throwing starfish back into the ocean. a young man critisized him saying that there was no way he could get all the starfish back into the ocean. the old man picked up a starfish and said, yes i know, but i saved this one.

-this the way i want to live.