The Funniest Thing I Have Ever Seen.

Change.

Today will be my first sunday at my new church. It's odd, i've gone to Woodlake for almost seventeen years it's justreally weird to leave. I kinda feel like Abraham. God told him to follow him, without even telling him where he was leading him. Now, i did know where i was going location wise, but being a person who fears change i was afraid. The way i would be recieved at Asberry was totally unknown, but i was not afraid because i knew that God would provide for me. Knowing that i am following him has made this so much easier, no less weird, but easier. He's provided friends, securitiy, and a fantastic youth group. I think i'm pretty excited.

Jesus is my friend.

this video will literally make you pee your pants.

paper planes

so this is kinda a bad song....but i love it....so so so much. yeah completely ignore the words.

Korean Madness

I'm out of creative titles.

so. soon commences yet another school year. i think this one will be good. i'm totally renewed. taking a whole different academic pathway, learning now my third language, and in leadership class. i love it by the way. it's going to be so fun. however, i've had to do so much studying this summer. AP Chem isn't going to be a cup of tea. However i've also balanced that out with some much needed New Life Ranch people bonding. mmm...i'm looking forward to starting debate again this year...even though that will mean seeing jb. boo. for those of you (as in me, talking to myself on this blog. haha) that don't know, my engaged ex told me a few days ago that he still is in love with me and wants to give it another go. haha! NO! oh lanta georgia. life is crazy. soon though i will upload a picture of my insane chaco tan. it is incredible.

mmm....summer fresh!

i am changed.

This summer has been one of growth. Spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. i feel that i am really making steps in repairing and regrowing my relationship with G-d. i'm learning how to retrust myself, G-d, and people. It's hard and not fun, but it's definately a big step. another thing that i've done this summer is decide to petition for acceptance into the leadership class at Metro. doing so is to forfeit all chances of valedictorian. i am accepted, and not taking math this year. i am completely at peace with my decision although it is throwing my principal for a loop. and another thing. i am happy. i have discovered and completely tapped into the joy of the LORD. and truly the joy of the LORD has become my strength. i'm a new person. and the odd thing. since i've come home from my month of self-discovery. i've been told by multiple people that i look completely different. and you know what that is? Jesus. i love who i am in HIM, and i don't intend on changing that. i'm excited about life, and i feel free.

nothing gold can stay

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

-robert frost

Harrison Peter

Okay, well the first one is really cute, but you gotta turn your head. aka my mother took it. haha. this is my darling beyond all else nephew, Harrison. Enjoy!

when the skies go grey with the coming dawn.

funny. i have a lot to say, but i don't have near enough the energy to say it.

i speak in french now almost the entire time i'm at work. makes it hard to speak anything but when i'm at home. hah.

i'm sleepy, goodnight

music. the flow of life.

music to me is like an extension of my heartbeat. i can't listen to a song if the pulse of it doesn't match up to my pulse and my ultimate being at the time i listen to it. my being's pulse fluctuates all the time and so does my music, but i just think it's interesting how the music we listen to can almost completely tell someone who we and what our feelings are at the moment.

first day 'o' work

well, first off my chaco tan is absolutely gorgeous.

okay well i think i'm going to love working at the oaks. everyone there is so nice and one of the girls speaks french! woo! and she is like really good friends with hannah and told me i'm like a little of her so she was going to adore me, oh yay. but one odd thing i noticed is that there are eleven of us lifeguards and every one is white and blonde. and every girl looks like she just walked out of a magazine, seriously there's no one bigger than a size 4. i'm pretty sure i broke that rule. hah. but yes, my feet are beautiful and i have a farmer's tan. : )

letcha know. sams sells my green tea again. all is right in the world! yay!

family ties.

so sitting beside my grandma ree today in the car i begain to think about the two sides of my family tree and how closely each sibling resembles one or the other. like how my the smith side is soft-spoken, passive, sweet, and gentle. now, this is the foil to my character, however, it describes my brother jon quite well. the other side, the odom/welch side are very out-spoken, random, different kinda people. i would definately classify myself there. i don't know i think it's really funny how completely different my parent's families are. and seeing the similarites and dissimiliarities of each that my siblings and i posess.

Chocolate Rain

This is the weirdest video. it almost makes you want to stick pins in your eyes, but it's like a car wreck, you just can't stop watching. enjoy!

just a little ole' clive staples

just a clip of the screwtape letters that i really thought was interesting. and really made me think. it probably has many different implications depending on who reads it, so i'll just let you form your own opinions. (i've highlighted/bolded my favorite thought provoking part)

preface, the person speaking is a demon trying to find a way to turn this christian away from G-d. okay

....As a result, (of having people ask irrelevant questions) while their minds are buzzing in this vaccuum, we have the better chance to slip in and bend them to hte action we have decided on. and some great work has already been done. once they knew that some changes were for the better, and others were for the worse, adn others again indifferent. we have largely removed this knowledge. for the descriptive adjective 'unchanged' we have substituted the emotional adjective 'stagnant'. we have trained them to think that the Future as a promised land which favoured heroes attain- not as something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is,

"i'm singing in the rain..."

rain,
the metaphorical representation of joy, hope, peace, love, and emotional cleansing.

ho hum, the tide has come

why hello.

today was lovely, my chaco tan is well on its way to perfection.

i promise not to delete any more posts.

only about twenty more days until i become aunt jamie.

after friday, i'm going to enjoy my life again and bond with people i love more often.

change. not the type that jingles.

today was my brother Jon's graduation. we had pictures of him when he was younger all over. there was this little basket of pictures i was looking through and there were a lot of the two of us together when we were really little. they were just the cutest things in the world and they made me get very mixed emotions. they made me remember happy memories and they also made my heart hurt. you see, this coming year marks a new phase in my life. i'm becomming an aunt in less than a month. i'm gaining a sister in june. the group of friends that i made this year are all moving away to college and such. and then in august probably the biggest change in my life thus far will occur. my brother is one of my best friends. i mean we fought and argued for the first well sixteen years of my life, but all the while i loved it. i love being playful and having fun with my brother. playing basketball, wrestling, watching him play hours of zelda, i loved it all, just being around him makes me happy. he used to drive me to school in teh mornings and he'd have me read a Psalm every morning, point out the sunrise. if i was ever grumpy riding to or from school that year, he'd make me sing "dr. worm" to make me smile. he always knows just how to be my friend, to love me, to annoy and anger me. in august, one of my best friends is leaving the country for a year. we'll still talk it's not like he's dying but it's just gonna be so weird not being able to see him every week or have that kind of closeness anymore.


i really don't have anything else to say.

Untitled Poem

The lapse of time and rivers is the same

Both spend their journey with a restless stream

The silent pace with which they steal away

No wealth can bribe, no prayers persuade to stay.

Alike irrevocable both when past

And a wide ocean swallows both at last.

Though each resemble each in every part,

A difference at length strikes the musing heart;

Streams never flow in vain:where streams abound,

How laughs the land with various plenty crowned!

But time, that should enrich the nobler mind

Neglected, leaves the weary waste behind.

William Cowper

I really don't have anything of my own to say, but i thought i should post. i really like this poem.

Ode to Chon.

faceless, generic, rock.

the youth of America, is wasted on the internet.......the minds of America, are melting on the internet.....


Random thought of the day. Why is it that we (we referring to most of the people i hang out with) are always so exhausted or claim to be, but yet even when we have the opportunity to turn in early, consistantly stay up late?

and so they walked along the flowered path.

i may have already written a post about this, but it still amazes me. i work in the nursery at church. i'm constantly surrounded by 9 or 10 one and two year olds. their pure passion simply amazes me. if a toy gets taken from them by another child, they are enraged, passionately enraged and broken hearted. there's no pretense about them, they feel whole-heartedly what they feel. and when they're happy, like when they see their mommy coming to get them, there is no greater sound or sight than the giggle and smile they put on. i am so constantly amazed at what passionate little people they are. why is it that as we get older we become too "mature" to feel? not just feel but feel with passion and without pretense. another thing i love. children's facination. well it's now being diminshed by the desensitising of children via television and video games, but oh well. children are so facinated by the smallest things, whether that be a pretty flower, any ole' weed'll do, or a mud pie. everything they see and do just facinates them. i think that if we would all just stop and smell the wildflowers, or go for a walk, we'd all be better for it. at least for me, the times when i'm happiest are the times i become almost childlike and find facination in the simplest of things. celebrate life! don't just live it.

Salut!

so, unless some miracle of Neerman happens, i am not in the leadership class. however, i have made some positive decisions today. i have decided on not taking ap stats next year and taking spanish. i'm actually quite excited. and this summer, i'm going to take a class in either portugese or italian. feedback on which i should pick? so yes, i'm feeling much better today. oh good. well...as i have nothing left to say. i'm gonna go. have fun reading this. : )

disecting me.

i had a panic attack driving home from school today. it scared the crap out of me. uh...so today. well i lost my election. it sucks. quite a lot actually. you know the thing that frustrates me the most? i had an awesome speech, incredibly creative posters, and i wanted this so much. my opponent had none of those. none. but of course it's high school where everything depends on how popular you are. shit. i have seven ap classes next year now. and yes zac, i know that my insanity is my own choosing. i know. these classes are of my own choosing. mrs. camp tried today to figure out why i'm literally commiting suicide with them. she asked who am i trying to prove myself to? what am i trying to accomplish with this? my answer? i don't have a clue! i've been trying to figure that out for so long, and i honestly have no clue where my manic drive comes from. i don't deal with failure well. i think maybe if i accomplish all this i won't be a failure to myself at least. i don't know i'll fix this later so it doesn't sound so high school girl-ish and whiny.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=BX518lEPis8
avril rocks.

G-d and J-me

okay. so the reasons why i spell things some ways. they are in no way related by the way. i'll start with j-me because it takes no time to tell. when i was little my mom used to put little hearts over my i's and that was fine until like i was 12 and then i hated all girly things like pink and hearts, so i had to get rid of the 'i". hah. so i did. and it kinda stuck with my friends, and it's fun to write.

reason for my spelling of G-d. okay. well in Doyle's class this year (metro Bible teacher) we were talking about how ancient Bible writers and even today though without realising they do it, every time they say G-d's name they write LORD. in all caps. this is because the name of G-d was so holy and sacred that they dared not use his actual name unless the situation deserved its awe striking awesomness. i like this. uh..well a lot of times i take the LORD's name in vain or well i did. and i really hate that. because his name is so awesome that it should never be desecrated. by writing G-d the way i do, i'm making a visual representation to myself of my love and respect for both G-d and his awesome, incredible name and power. so in response to what my annonymous friend said, i'm not abreviating his name, i'm consecrating it. jamie is abriviated, but i have nothing but good intentions for the holy name of G-d. i'm appologize if it rubs you the wrong way, but if it helps me keep his name sacred, then i'm willing to do that.

ammendment to change in title.

i appologize for my lack in communication skills in referring to my story of the prostitute. i am in no way saying that i was without sin. i used it reference to the story that i love, not the stone used in it. i appologize if i came accross as saying that i was without sin or in any way better than anyone. i'm not. in that story i would have been the prostitute. that was only one facet of my title. i want to be a revolutionary, not a saint. that's not physically possible for me to do without G-d. so i hope that clears up anything. if not, feel free to call me out.

change in title

well hello. an explanation in the change of my title has been requested. i'm more than willing to oblige. i really didn't like my last title, mostly because i used it for lack of a better idea. hah. the quote i used by elizabeth barret browning i first heard from Jimmy Doyle last semester. it is my favorite quote. i have it written on my facebook, in my locker, and now a daily reminder on my blog. it reminds me that in everything i see, people i meet, and in all that i do, there is a G-d light in it. i am often the first to point out the wrong in the situation and people, but this makes me remember that G-d created it all and somewhere in it is the purpose. it is my silver lining.

my title is different. i really like the way it sounds, and its meaning to me is many faceted. first i love that Bible story. a woman caught in the act of adultery is brought before Jesus. the high priests or pharises or something i don't really remember said that her punnishment was to be stoned. Jesus proceeded to draw in the sand. then he stood and said, may he who is without sin cast the first stone. i think that's just an awesome story. even though there are some skepticisms about whether or not it actually happened. he drew in the sand. that may have different meanings to you all, but to me it says that Jesus was so over the whole tattle-taling thing. all sin is equal, so who gives you the power to accuse? so in essense my title is not refering to the stone, but the story. another facet is because i am like a stone. yes a wonderful metaphor. one of the things i loved to do when i was little and even now is when i go to the lake i like to skip rocks, or just toss them in. i love seeing the ripples they make. i can't change the world, but maybe i can be one little stone, and my influence can ripple. my third facet and the last i will discuss is, for lack of a better phrase, me fighting the system. nothing can change instantly. Rome wasn't built in a day. : ) but one revolutionary, person or idea can begin change, i guess that's kinda like the ripple effect. or like a rockslide. one stone had to cause it all right? well i hope i have answered why i have changed my title and quote...let me know what you think

i write a lot of comparitive metaphors. hmm...

chocolate covered mind nuggets.

so here is me, being very very distracted by internet when i need to be writing my lab write-up. so here is my mind on the menu today, and in recent general. : )

as some of you may know i have decided to end my fast. there are a few reasons for this. i've been reading C.S. Lewis's book The Screwtape Letters, and man it makes me think really critically, and it screws with my mind. one part that really stuck wiht me was the part (i'm too lazy right now to go find the part of the book so this is my version) that said, we (demons) need to help make them focus on the task itself and not who it's based on let them focus not on G-d, but on the thing they've made. so yeah. for a while i was pretty focused, and i just prayed, prayed and listened. made a few really good decisions, and i really was enjoying this kind of constnat table for two (new life ranch term for quiet time) but it really has become like me just trying to see if i could do it, so yesterday, i decided that i was no longer glorifying G-d, and as much as i'd like to continue, i just didn't feel right doing it.

i've also been thinking about a very similar pattern in my relationships. A. i seem to keep picking the same guy. All different people, but i swear they could not be more alike. B. i kill all of my relationships. they are all really fun and great, but i just strangle the heck out of them, i hate that about me. i just subconsciously begin to hate them and then i drive them away. Conclusion: I truly believe that although (yes i know i am still a youngin' )that i will not be able to carry out a successful relationship until it's with the person i'm suppossed to be with. i really hate dating, it's tres fun, but i don't think it's worth hurting the people that i date. which is inevitable. so yeah i'm pretty much done with dating. i hate it. i do friendship really really well.

Communication: put in blue so that if no one reads any of this post they will read this part. : ) i would almost rather that they read this part and not the part above, but someone told me today that i'm no longer allowed to delete posts i don't like. : ) so 80 % of communication is non-verbal. i think that is sweet. and freaky. and i completely understand it. i can read people really well. but i also am frustrated that i can't read my own body language. i can always tell when other people are thinking or feeling certain things, but for the life of me i don't know how i'm coming accross, and i know a lot of times my body language/ communication style pisses people off, so i'd like to know what i'm doing so i can change that. so if you ( as the annonymous collective) are ever having a conversation with me, tell me what i'm saying. not verbally what i'm saying i usually know that. but what i'm saying with the other 80% of my communication to you. thanks.

also, i think i am beginning to notice some very "my mom" type attributes of myself. like the way she freaks out (well not really freak out but be very frantic about getting things done and the way in which they are done) and other things like that. like she and my dad were having a conversation today, adn i could have easily said any of the things that she did. i think that's why we don't get along is because, as much as it absolutely kills me to say this seeing as she is so not who i want to be in 40 years, but we don't get along because we are so similar. ew. okay. feedback on all is lovely. : )

the dystopic education system

the education system of today is fatally flawed in its methods. they teach for tests and nothing more. what good is 12+ years of education if you only learn for that week or that final or ap test? worthless that's what. not only that, but the set up of the school system isn't condusive to actual learning. we learn to sit, speak, regurgitate back to them what they tell us, a freakin dog can do that. well except the tell back part unless your dog is a superdog in which case he may do just that. no time during this process are we taught to use the minds G-d gave us. i think that in my 10 years of school i have had at most 3 classes that made me think, make choices, let me learn from discussions, help me establish my own beliefs and reasons for those beliefs not just because someone told me to believe in them. extremely intelligent people wonder why the young people of today are failing in school, and it's because we're bored. we're bored and we aren't engaged. come to our level and we just might suprise you. treat us like dogs and we'll feel obliged to give you just what you expect. i'm all up for some good ole socratic method.

brink

i have many tangents to discuss. but first i would like to mention one thing. once upon a time zac penix asked me how i would go insane. i replied by saying that i would probably be really pissy for about a week and then start laughing and just not stop. i think i have now hit that point. since about 4th hour today i have been laughing. manic-ly and without end. for absolutely no purpose at all. i even got to leave school like 10 minutes early because my teacher thought i was having some sort of breakdown. hah! well now that i'm insane,let me move on.

i've been reading screwtape letters by the startlingly brilliant C.S. Lewis, and many things have hit me, but the thing i've been most intruiged by is this...

Humans are amphibians-half spirit adn half animal.

As spirits they belong to teh eternal world, but as animals

they inhabit time. This means that while their spirit

can be directed to an eternal object, their bodies,

passions, and imaginations are in continual

change, for to be in time means to change.

Their nearest approach to constancy, therfore, is
undulation-the repeatedly fall back, a series of troughs
adn peaks...as long as he lives on earth
periods of emotional and bodily richness adn

liveliness will alternate with periods of
numbness and poverty.

I just really thought this was mind blowing.
we think things are so set sometimes, like our relationship with G-d, or with
people, but the part of this that so stuck out to me was that as humans we are
in continual change. i know that it's like such a known fact, but it was a total
epiphany to me. Next tangent. I've been reading in excruciating slowness (not because i'm a bad reader, but so that i catch it all) Ephesians. in chapter 1 it says

11In him we were also chosen,[e] having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, 12in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. 13And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, 14who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession—to the praise of his glory.

The part i catch here? having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will. i always used to take that to mean, do all according to G-d's will. now, don't get me wrong, i'm all up for G-d's will. but for the people that i love who aren't all up for it, this leaves them room and me hope. not in accordance but in conformity. it means to me that no matter what kind of mistakes you make, in the end, G-d's plan will prevail. it'll all work out, it'll all be okay maybe not the best way that he wanted it to be, but it will all work.

if you haven't seen this yet, you have to watch this video. It's called The Church of Oprah Exposed. It's really weird. Tell me what you think about it. http://youtube.com/watch?v=NizojZIX7Aw

to let it be.

i've started this post more than once now. it's funny that when you've got a lot to say, you can't put it into words, yet you can ramble endlessly on nothing. or when you need something the most it's usually the thing you push aside the hardest. for those of you that know for the past week and for the next two weeks, i am fasting. i fast to listen. listen to G-d, listen to others, listen to all the little things in life that get missed. and you know what i'm learning? i am not so good a listener. i'm learning hard and slowly through this, but unless it smacks me in the face or you're sitting there saying listen to me, then i'm out. i've also learned that i am very easily pursuaded to praise G-d when he's blessing me, but the second he let out for a blink of an eye, i was pissed. i soon realised i was being stupid and appologized for my fickle-ness, but i don't know. i...i have alot of thoughts right now. they aren't forming words, and i. i think it's best i leave them be.

World-changers.

Quotes from today's church service:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I couldn't believe it until i saw it. If that's how we look at life then we've got it backwards. We can't see things until we believe in them.

embrace the puffballs in life

Vision controls our perceptions and our perceptions become our reality.

Celebrate what's right in the world, don't wallow in the bad aspects.

I saw an angel in the stone, and i carved to let it out
-Michaelangelo

Are you trying to be the best in the world, or the best for the world?

Are you paralyzed by perfection.

What do you think about when you weave? i weave when i weave.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So that was today's sermon in my own little scatterbrained way. I really connected with it. I feel like a lot of times i am the first to see the negative aspects of something before the positive. i realised that i needed to understand that although yes bad things are there, it's the heart of the thing that's important. Michaelangelo's angel didn't appear out of nowhere, he had to cut off all the excess. When we focus on the bad parts of life, then we can't see the perfection that's hidden like little treasure troves.
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I was thinking today about the different influences and inspirations of my life. I decided that my main influences is from my families. I've been a part of my church family for 16 years, an extention to the vogt's, a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, and then i have a family of friends, and then i have the family of the whole dalton clan. sarah and shelby dalton's whole family kinda adopted me since birth. her great grandparents are the most incredible people. they tell people i'm their adopted daughter, every sunday i go over and hug 'em and they tell me all about "the girls" and to keep prayin for them and they always just love me. My families together have made me the person i am today. I also started thinking about the people who inspire me the most and have made a list. not very long but i like it.

The Greatest People I have Ever Been Blessed to Know.

*Ruth Odom. Possibly the strongest woman in the world. Who went on a car ride with her family of 5 and came out alive with one son, my dad. She is the strongest, most devoted Christian i've certainly ever met. Her love and her witness is always apparent in her want to pour out onto everyone she sees the love of G-d.

*Nolan and Ilene Christiansan. My adopted great-grandparents. Their hope and faith and perserverance in their prayers for their family always astounds me. Their trust in the LORD and their hope for his promise fills me up with hope as well. They truly never give up, it's incredible.

*Meredith Hollman. i neither have nor will ever meet anyone more incredible in my life. She dealt with cancer forever and never complained, never doubted G-d's plan. She went prison witnessing, bringing them to church loving on them. She always just completely completely astounded me. i have never seen anyone with so much love. you felt in the presence of G-d just being near her. she simply glowed. she taught me missionettes in 4th grade and she was my friend until her death. many times i think that i'm ready to change the world, maybe not the whole world, but maybe just my community's world, or the world of one person. I have never met someone as worldchanging as Meredith. My life has been blessed simply by knowing her and her passion.

running with bananas

i'm a pianist. i love the way i can make a page of notes, and make it music. my music. not the way the markings on the page dictate that i should play it, but the way that i make it come out. my piano teacher doesn't appreciate my disreguard of said dynamic markings. she sucks my life and passion and energy out of a song and makes it so cut and dry. i feel like that's the way so many things are. like writing. i really enjoy it, and i'm pretty good. but after it's been put in a form and proofread until it bleeds, it's like it's not even mine. i think we should all run around hugging trees, eat bananas, and prance around in sundresses and chacos in warm sunlit fields. that's what i think. mmhm.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mrs. Burkhalter came up to school today with baby Raegan, but all i could think when i saw them was placenta placenta placenta...haha Amy and Zac.

in a nutshell

so here is my mind's direction tonight in a nutshell...well i think. it may end up to be a pretty big nutshell.

1) i miss Sarah. i miss spending every weekend being silly and telling stories and having fun, playing mermaids, making brownies, spaghetti, and applesauce that no human could possibly consume, being my best friend. i wish i could make those moments stay forever. i wish i wasn't constantly worried that she's gonna overdose, or get hurt, or i don't know, i can't even think about her anymore and not cry. i just hurt all the time. i lost the person i most held dear in the world.

2) strong enough passions can kill you, mentally, physically, or emotionally. i fear my passions.

3) i'm afraid that as much as i hate to admit it, i've begun to stop believing and trusting that G-d is on my side. don't freak. i love him, i'm just hurting. and don't feed me any of that he'll never leave me or forsake me. i know that, but you know what? it'd be nice to feel that sometimes.

4) i have begun to realise that the 14 honors/AP classes i have planned out for myself the next 2 years is worthless. i don't even know why i do it. i am so driven, but for what? for a title that won't matter in 3 years? no, not entirely. it's this weird internal desire to prove myself. but to whom? to my parents? i don't know. but more and more i'm thinking that it's myself.

"man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has, lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreampt at all..."

happiness

what is happiness? is it simply the absence of unhappiness, or is the absence of unhappiness another feeling entirely? and in such a case, what is that feeling called? just my random spouting.

3 outlets of hope

my loyalty is both my greatest asset and my worst downfall. it has brought me the fiercest of friendships and also the most extreme heartbreaks. God has been messing with me for 6 years. He'll give me glimpses of hope for my girls, then he'll dash it away in the most wretched ways. recently, i completely rebuked Sarah and told her that i thought she was an absolute idiot. that i loved her, but hated that she was throwing away the potential that God gave her. today i get to church, the dalton's aren't there. afterwards, i went over to give their grandparents hugs like always and they appear out of nowhere. Sarah came right up and hugged me, i thought we were done, but i realised she had yet to let go. There has been a change. there was no pretense, no awkwardness, it was just like there hadn't been 6 years of lies and destruction in that hug. 1 Corinthians 13 and now these three remain, faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love. i have three outlets of hope today. i have a number, a hug, and a promise. I have her new cell number, a promise of coming wednesday, and i have a hug that represents to me at least, a change. and this time i managed to keep my tears in until i turned and walked away. give thanks to the LORD for he is good.

easter

one of the days i dread. being around family members i can't stand partly because they kinda creep me out and kinda because i have to be sooo careful about what i can and cannot say. also it is one of the few church services that the Dalton family attends. For all who don't know, Sarah and Shelby Dalton have been my best friends since birth. But every time i see them, all i can see is the past, because if i focus on the present, i break down and cry right there in front of them. i long for the day when they wake up and realise they have nothing left. maybe then they'll stop being idiots and lean on God instead of....well yeah. it's supposed to represent a day of hope, of strength, and of restoration. but growing inside me every year is a desperate wish that it wouldn't come because all i find in it is fakeness, idle faith, and dimming hope. who knows, maybe this year will be different.

1 Corinthians 13

100 years

lately i've been getting bored. not just bored as in let's go to the park but just bored with life in itself. i feel as though i could be doing so much more with my life than what i am. but in order to achieve those things i require the preparation of the tediousness of my life as it is now. uh. why are some things just an endless cycle of emptiness? empty conversations, empty days, empty life. i feel like there is so much more to do than this, just studying and studying to become someone more. i want to be a brain surgeon, i want to travel, i want to have a family and fun. i want to have an endless source of long, interesting, intellectual conversations. it just feels like we spend our whole lives preparing for the future that when we get there, we'll wish we had done more in our past. i don't know. it just seems odd that we spend about a third of our hundred years wishing they go more quickly and the rest craving that which we have lost.

a change of outlook

i think i'm finally becomming someone i can like. for years i've struggled with my identity. as a person, a student, a friend, and a family member. i've never felt like i've been good enough for anyone, let alone God. i hurt or am hurt by anyone i've ever loved, so i've become some sort of weird built-up person. i've made some acquaintances lately though, that i think might change my life. i often feel lonely, like no one thinks like i do, and these people do. it is refreshing, and wonderful.

an old man was walking alone the beach throwing starfish back into the ocean. a young man critisized him saying that there was no way he could get all the starfish back into the ocean. the old man picked up a starfish and said, yes i know, but i saved this one.

-this the way i want to live.