chocolate covered mind nuggets.

so here is me, being very very distracted by internet when i need to be writing my lab write-up. so here is my mind on the menu today, and in recent general. : )

as some of you may know i have decided to end my fast. there are a few reasons for this. i've been reading C.S. Lewis's book The Screwtape Letters, and man it makes me think really critically, and it screws with my mind. one part that really stuck wiht me was the part (i'm too lazy right now to go find the part of the book so this is my version) that said, we (demons) need to help make them focus on the task itself and not who it's based on let them focus not on G-d, but on the thing they've made. so yeah. for a while i was pretty focused, and i just prayed, prayed and listened. made a few really good decisions, and i really was enjoying this kind of constnat table for two (new life ranch term for quiet time) but it really has become like me just trying to see if i could do it, so yesterday, i decided that i was no longer glorifying G-d, and as much as i'd like to continue, i just didn't feel right doing it.

i've also been thinking about a very similar pattern in my relationships. A. i seem to keep picking the same guy. All different people, but i swear they could not be more alike. B. i kill all of my relationships. they are all really fun and great, but i just strangle the heck out of them, i hate that about me. i just subconsciously begin to hate them and then i drive them away. Conclusion: I truly believe that although (yes i know i am still a youngin' )that i will not be able to carry out a successful relationship until it's with the person i'm suppossed to be with. i really hate dating, it's tres fun, but i don't think it's worth hurting the people that i date. which is inevitable. so yeah i'm pretty much done with dating. i hate it. i do friendship really really well.

Communication: put in blue so that if no one reads any of this post they will read this part. : ) i would almost rather that they read this part and not the part above, but someone told me today that i'm no longer allowed to delete posts i don't like. : ) so 80 % of communication is non-verbal. i think that is sweet. and freaky. and i completely understand it. i can read people really well. but i also am frustrated that i can't read my own body language. i can always tell when other people are thinking or feeling certain things, but for the life of me i don't know how i'm coming accross, and i know a lot of times my body language/ communication style pisses people off, so i'd like to know what i'm doing so i can change that. so if you ( as the annonymous collective) are ever having a conversation with me, tell me what i'm saying. not verbally what i'm saying i usually know that. but what i'm saying with the other 80% of my communication to you. thanks.

also, i think i am beginning to notice some very "my mom" type attributes of myself. like the way she freaks out (well not really freak out but be very frantic about getting things done and the way in which they are done) and other things like that. like she and my dad were having a conversation today, adn i could have easily said any of the things that she did. i think that's why we don't get along is because, as much as it absolutely kills me to say this seeing as she is so not who i want to be in 40 years, but we don't get along because we are so similar. ew. okay. feedback on all is lovely. : )