in a nutshell

so here is my mind's direction tonight in a nutshell...well i think. it may end up to be a pretty big nutshell.

1) i miss Sarah. i miss spending every weekend being silly and telling stories and having fun, playing mermaids, making brownies, spaghetti, and applesauce that no human could possibly consume, being my best friend. i wish i could make those moments stay forever. i wish i wasn't constantly worried that she's gonna overdose, or get hurt, or i don't know, i can't even think about her anymore and not cry. i just hurt all the time. i lost the person i most held dear in the world.

2) strong enough passions can kill you, mentally, physically, or emotionally. i fear my passions.

3) i'm afraid that as much as i hate to admit it, i've begun to stop believing and trusting that G-d is on my side. don't freak. i love him, i'm just hurting. and don't feed me any of that he'll never leave me or forsake me. i know that, but you know what? it'd be nice to feel that sometimes.

4) i have begun to realise that the 14 honors/AP classes i have planned out for myself the next 2 years is worthless. i don't even know why i do it. i am so driven, but for what? for a title that won't matter in 3 years? no, not entirely. it's this weird internal desire to prove myself. but to whom? to my parents? i don't know. but more and more i'm thinking that it's myself.

"man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has, lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreampt at all..."