New Year Resolutions

Being on a perpetual school schedule, New Year's isn't really new year. Start of school is new year.

Start of year meetings, student move-in, travel planning, all of those denote new year to me.

That means, it's time for some new year's resolutions.

This year, I want to reconnect.

It's super easy to allow my job to consume me. It's a consuming job. That isn't an emotive phrase. That's a fact. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but I can allow it to become a bad thing, as we all can with our travails.

One of my catch phrases (it's never the wrong time to have a motto going, and they transition as you do) from my time in Belfast was, "Be an active participant in your own life."

It's easy to be in constant maintenance mode that you forget to be an active participant.

Not just texting a friend back but actively remembering to pursue friendship.
Not just getting home and doing life but actively remembering to love and serve your spouse.
Not just going to church or bible study but actively remembering to seek out the Lord.
For me, it's not just hoping I feel alive and creative one day again but actively struggling through the marshlands of re-wiring my brain to read and learn again.

It's that desire aspect, right?

It's so...active.
Which is exhausting.

It's exhausting to want to serve my husband. It's exhausting to even think about wanting to spend time with a friend outside of my normal, extroverted work. It's exhausting to seek out God, who might ask more from me than I feel like I have energy to give. It's exhausting to choose brain function instead of Netflix.

Ironically, though, it's the very things which look so daunting that will pour forth the most joy, the most energy, the most vim. They are why we live.

In my reconnection, I want to begin an active prayer for direction.

I love my job, but this is the last year, I fear, that I will be able to actively contribute in a positive way. I've begun to get the border collie syndrome really badly and need something else to chew on and work on. Mental and emotional atrophy are a real thing. I crave growth and challenge.

At the same time, though, I don't feel any particular pull.
At each step of my life, God has given me the next step at the right time, so I am not worried. It would be nice to have that light in front of me, though.

Currently, I have one thing I am actively in pursuit of: A PhD in English at the University of Arkansas.

In order to do it, I would need to receive their full fellowship, which I have the scores for but dont' know if I'll receive.
Alternatively, I don't know if I want to receive it.
I don't know if I want to do it.
I don't know if I can do it.

My Master's degree almost killed me. Granted, there were a lot of outside factors going into that, but what if depression and anxiety take over my life again?

There's just a lot to consider.

While I am here in this position, my third goal is to get better at my job. Continue to work to be an employee who they enjoy having. Continue to look the part of my job. Continue to practice patience with my really sweet, sometimes really dumb students and parents who do not read my emails and respond back asking questions I have already answered in the email they didn't read.

That's it; those are my goals: Connect, pursue, and contribute.