When I graduated high school, I was named co-Salutatorian. I had been working toward being Valedictorian since 9th grade, but with people like the Paul Twins lurking about, Salutatorian was the highest I could get.
After the pomp and circumstance of graduation, I was shocked by the number of people who expressed shock at me being named that. Literally, people came up to me and said, "I didn't realize you were smart!"
In my mind, I feel like "nerd" is written all over me, but from feedback, this just isn't the case.
In college, I dated a guy who demonstrated several red flag behaviors. One was that he appeared almost disgusted by me in heels (which puts me at about 6'1" to his 5'10"). Another was that he was really weird about me being smarter than him. I likely wasn't smarter than him, but he absolutely communicated this idea that he felt personally affronted or personally victimized when I would score higher than him or understand a concept better than him. He was smarter than me 9/10 times, but that tenth time, yikes.
Specifically, I remember a time when we both wrote a paper for a Bible class. He asked me my subject, I told him, I asked him his, and he told me. His was so high-brow that I literally had no idea what he was writing about. I was writing about biblical spit. He thought it was adorable (read: not intelligent). My professor ADORED my paper. I'm told that he still talks about it in every single New Testament course that he teaches. It burned my (then ex) boyfriend to his core.
In a conversation about it, he told me that he didn't understand why my prof would like mine so much better than his because mine was "so...so..." [didn't finish his sentence that would have finished in "dumb"].
Microaggressions.
Later in life, I would be told that it was offensive to people when I would use big words or try to explain a concept that I knew a lot about.
Later in life, I would be told that I was more likeable if I would be quiet and giggle when appropriate.
Later in life, I would be told that it would be better if the representative could talk to the man of the house because I wouldn't be able to understand.
I could tell dozens of these stories.
I'm caught in this dichotomy of perception. Either I am perceived as being too adorable to be intelligent or I'm so intelligent than I am no longer lady-like. That it's an affront to my fellow men.
I've never heard these types of comments said to my male counterparts. I can imagine that maybe some might say, "Wow! You're smart AND athletic!" or "Wow! You're even smarter than I realized!" But not shock that they were intelligent at all.
Maybe, "I haven't heard of anyone doing that topic!" or "We went really different routes with our ideas, but yours is really creative!" But not that it wasn't intelligent enough to be considered.
A man would never be told that he should be quiet and giggle. He'd seem insane.
A man would never be told not to use smaller words because he was being offensive with his intelligence.
I listen to the news and I hear outrageous attacks on women in politics, and I also see men in politics saying absolutely bananas things. And then I hear people making heinous comments about, primarily, the women. I can't help but think to myself that if they were men, their "sins" of being outspoken and opinionated would be forgiven and their voices could be heard.
It happens in classrooms.
in relationships.
in hospitals.
in politics.
We all hear through implicit bias. It's worth questioning that bias before you open your mouth.
No comments:
Post a Comment