Happiness is: Haley

I've known my best friend Haley for two decades now. 

Fairly, the first was spent in bitter enmity. She'll recall my bossiness, I recall her wild ways.

When you grow up, though, sometimes the things that prevented friendship are the very parts that keep it together.

Tempered, my bossiness turned into a general maintenance of stability.

Tempered, she learned to understand when to whip out the fun.

Together, we can go out or stay in and make a party out of anything, keeping it small (for me) but raucous (for her).

My mom loves when Haley is around because she's the only person who can evoke a true gut laugh from me, and so easily.

I love when Haley is around because everything seems to have more sparkle and sun when she's with me.

It's been a really long time since we've gotten to hang out but have pieced our long distance together through phone calls and Pinterest and the single hour we shared in person a month or so ago when she was down for her sister's wedding.

It was a great relief and great joy, then, to hear she was coming down from Denver and coming over to me in Arkansas for a day.

I got off work early, we girl talked, went grocery shopping, made enchiladas, went on a run to Goodwill for a Twister search that ended in a blue sequin spandex onesie, had friends over, ate ice cream on the kitchen floor, played games, and talked late into the night.

Growing up can be especially hard on friendships, as you move around or move out of them.

It makes you especially thankful for those friendships which grow with you, flex and form and flow.

What it Takes

Recently, I've been contemplating the concept of the "best friend."

What does it mean to be a best friend or to have a best friend?
Are best friends only to be added in the "teen years"?
Does one ever cease to be a best friend?

At various points in my life, I have claimed and have been claimed as best friend.
However, the entire institution no longer makes sense to me.

As a child and high schooler, the best friend was the one I had sleepovers with, kidnapped other best friends with, ran through wal-mart (and, okay, maybe deserted her in a shopping cart when she broke her leg...sans her crutches-turned-oars).
The best friend is the one that calls you at 11pm to show up, let yourself in to the house (because of course you know the garage code), and help zip her into a suitcase (because of course).
The one who kicks it with you in a movie theater parking lot drinking cocktails out of quik trip cups because it's your birthday.
The one who belts Muppet Treasure Island quotes/songs with you in inappropriate places.

But now?

We're all separated. We can't do life together. We get updates but not the live-action.
So does that mean that a best friend is the one you want to see when you go home? Or the one you still call to talk through the minutia of life? Or the one you talk to bi-annually? Or are best friends situational?

I posed my question to my best friend Haley (to which she would say, "your very very best friend Haley?")

Haley's solution to my query was that there are your best friends in various situations and then there are your long-term friends and then there are those who used to be both, who may one day become both, or the lucky ones who were, are, and will be both.

This answer helped me in my classification process because it takes more than mere consistency to be a best friend (though that is important). It's not mere furniture, though.
It's a combination of consistency, of no crap taking, of conflict resolution, of clear communication, of charm and laughter, of compatibility, and of care to understand who you are, even when that person changes.

The long-term beffers have been with you before you became "you" and have weathered the changes and breakups and insanity and distance and all the other pieces that have contributed to your personhood. They stay.

Snapshots Sans Snapshots

Family Christmas: 

Joey, Cristin, and their two not-so-wee ones Harrison and Gianna finally, finally made it back to Tulsa from their new home in Georgia to spend a few days. 

Therefore, family Christmas!! That means, tons of children (and Jacob) running about crazy, just so excited to have some cousin time. We ex-kid table-ers were pretty excited about it, too. :) 

I've never been a huge fan of children. They're loud, they have altogether too much energy, they're easy to step on, and they're sticky. HOWEVER, nieces and nephews seem to slip right on past that rule. 

There are few sounds more precious than hearing my nieces or nephew (Sam can't talk yet) yell "Aunt Jamie!", or any form of that. 

And I get the great honor and privilege of filling their heads with complete nonsense. I love them. Even if I don't necessarily spend tons of time with them in town, just knowing that they are near is comforting. When I leave, I always hurt to know that there are whole tracts of their lives I will miss. Shoot, Harrison and Gianna are giants compared to when I saw them last. 

But then we're all back together, and all is well. 

Trifecta Christmas:  

I guess we're officially adults now because no selfies were taken whatsoever.

On the other hand, we did put together a puzzle made from one of our particularly favorite selfies thanks to Hayhay.

The evening was spent as it darn well should. Food, friendship, and ice cream on the kitchen floor. 

We're rather simple in our fun-having with one another, but I think that's how it should be. We don't require diversion to be totally satisfied in the presence of each other. We may require Rocky Road and the occasional cocktail, but those are just perks. 

I'm always pleasantly surprised and thankful at the way our friendship has flexed, adjusted, and grown over the past five years. We've made it through breakdowns, boyfriends, cross-country and cross-cultural moves, and all sorts of in-betweens. 

None of us really understand how or why we work together, but we appreciate the fact that we do. We make for a good team, the three of us (and occasionally the lovely Kira).  

"I'm Just a Girl Who Can't SayNo": 

I personally struggle with boundaries. I say yes to just about everything, so long as it isn't destructive or dangerous. Or a practical joke, because those suckers just escalate, and ain't no way I want to be in that cross-fire. You're on your own. 

If I don't have a really, really good reason (or a superior good reason to their good reason) I can't help but say yes because I know if I were in the other person's position, I would want them to say yes to me. 

That's how I ended up judging a high school debate tournament yesterday, yet again. 

Don't get me wrong at all! I love debate. It’s like fencing: calculated, classy, and intelligent.

I've judged tournaments every year since I graduated, upon request. It's interesting, I learn things, and it gives me an opportunity to provide constructive feedback. 

However, with only a few days left in the country, I wasn't exactly thrilled to be asked. 

Nevertheless, I came. 

THIS TIME, though, I set boundaries! I said I'd stay till 8. I did. Then, when they handed me new judging ballots (for a round to which I had not agreed), I said no politely and went on my merry way to watch Snow White with my niece and nephew. 

Then, (I was on a roll, I tell ya), I said no to suggested Saturday social plans. I didn't have alternative plans, I just didn't want to go. And that is what I said, nicely.

Like Riding A Bike...

The truth is, I didn't learn how to ride a bike until fifth grade.

I know! Crazy! It's ultra convenient, fun, and keeps you active, but no matter how many people introduced it to me or took painstaking attempts at trying to kindle a bond between us, bicycles and I were not friendly with one another.

Then one day while we were cleaning out the annex, I took out the bike, walked it up to the street, got up on it, and rode. No problem.

That, in a nutshell, is my friendship with Haley. Slow to start but impossible to forget.

Introduced at age 3. Mutual hatred until mid-middleschool, despite countless attempts to cozy us up to one another.

Then, one fateful Monday carpool with our neighbor Susan (oh, we're neighbors by the way), Haley Nelle and I finally clicked. Naturally, through bike riding. And we've been riding the same neighborhood pathway ever since.

I can't say our friendship has ever been anything short of extraordinarily strange, but I can say it is extraordinary.

High school for us was a literal version of a T-Swift song, "She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts. She's cheer captain, and I'm on the bleachers." We didn't talk at school hardly at all. She the extreme extrovert, everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. I was introverted, booky (not to be confused with bookie), and had a presence very much felt wherever I went. Different. Perhaps bad different from one another, but we worked.

Mostly, our friendship is one of puzzles, bike rides, Walmart (RIP Reasor's Video), and the random soulful conversations that give relevance to the other seemingly depthless 98% of the time.

And, despite however far we go from one another, like if she ran off to China and I ran off to Northern Ireland, we still fit right back in to the flow of life together the second we both show up in Tulsa.

She's the best friend whose family sets a place for me at the dinner table if I happen to be there anywhere near that time (unannounced, of course), who searches through my pantry if she gets hungry during puzzle time, who knows my garage code and just shows up with a "hi family!" at any given hour and day, who keeps a toothbrush and contacts case at my house but assumes she gets choice pick of my clothes, and whose family isn't the lease surprised when I pop in at her house or family functions even when Hay is out of town. They just smile an hand me pie.

She gets me, differently. Like, her predictions of my relationships are always completely dead on, whether I agree with her at the time or not and she knows how I'll respond to things before I even know how I will sometimes--and why--and we live oddly parallel lives to one another right down to matching wasp stings one summer several towns and campsites apart.

Unlike Caity and Kira--whose friendships I value completely but also understand how they function really well--I don't understand or know how to communicate my friendship with Nelle. Each time I try, I totally fail and end up confusing (and concerning) my audience with our past adventures and mountains and valleys and total lack of emotionalism with one another.

For instance, at the end of one summer, she chest bumped me and said, "well. it's been real" just before we parted ways for multiple months. A different break, I don't even think we had a final goodbye. We're just not like that. But I live and laugh louder when Haley's around.

*Do not ever ask me to join you in (or tell you about) sledding, trampoline jumping, or riding down any hill of any size on a toy tractor.

All that to say, my favorite Chinese import was delivered to me via airmail last week, and we instantly fell back into "normal." Biking, Spades, ice cream, Walmart, Snow White puzzles, the works.

Who knows? Maybe I'll move to Denver with her after all. She's got 9 days in person to convince me.

The Makings Of

Today is my twenty-second birthday.
Old, but I'm not that old. 
This is also the first birthday that I've actually truly felt ready to be the age I'm turning. I remember driving around Tulsa on the eve of my twentieth in an absolute panic, not ready to leave my teenage years.

For this birthday post, I'm going to drive you on a brief tour through the past six birthdays. Each section heading is the name of a mix CD my best friend Caity made for me on every birthday. Also, it should be noted that since I'm a student, the years are counted by grade.

Dance Like You're 18

It's senior year of high school, characterized by determination.
I was out to stick it to the world. Who I was was what I was involved in or achieved:
-Student Council Chaplain
-Worship team leader
-Debate team
-Winter Guard captain
-Swim team member
-Bowling team captain
-National Honor Society
-National French Honor Society
-French Club vice president
-Salutatorian (co-salutatorian with Fran Brower. Our speech at graduation was absolutely so fun).
Traveled to:
-Colorado with the senior class
-Chicago with AP Biology and AP Art
Notables:
-Acquired the friendship of a Miss Caity Kullen (Roberts) and, with Haley Vogt, formed the Trifecta.
-Gained an entire friend group due to a popular girl deciding I was "hott" one day.
-Niece Gianna Aloisio born to brother Joey and wife Cristin
-Brother Jacob married to now wife Allison
"My People":
Haley Vogt
Caity Kullen
Dehra McGuire
John Brothers
Taylor Pride
Will Watkins
That Summer, I lifeguarded and taught the Naval Art of War (canoeing) at New Life Ranch and got my nose pierced.
19: Eat your feelings. Boyfriend forgot the birthday. 

Welcome to my Freshman year of college!
The first semester was an absolute dream. Everybody's first semester of college should be like mine.
Timeline:
-Tried out for a play for a joke. Scored one of six parts. Annelle in Steel Magnolias. 
-Had a super tight friend group of artsy type folks. Spontaneous dancing, singing in trees, and group adventuring was a must.
-First boyfriend. Fell in love--hard.
-Spontaneously traveled to Chicago with a carfull of friends.
-Eating disorder hit highest point of unhealthy.
-Best friend literally lost her mind. Was thousands of miles separated from her.
-Boyfriend shattered my heart.

-Lost entire friend group. The ex got custody, apparently.
-Fell in love with Jesus--hard--in an absolute, final way.
-Delivered completely and instantly from eating disorder.
-Joined a band with friend Jordan Weeks.
-Presented a paper at a regional academic conference.
-Reconnected with camp best friend Kira.
-Restoration of best friend's sanity. Thank you, Jesus.
Spent the summer in Tulsa with Kira and Haley. Lifeguarded at the Jewish Community Center. Together, we created Monday Game Night. Everybody the three of us collectively knew in Tulsa came. It was a blast.
My People:
Matt Tintera
Abby Fennema
Allison Harper (roommate)
Peter Myers
Adam Howard
[the mass rest of the "granola poser" friendgroup]
Trifecta & Kira

20 Years Young
Made it! Helloooooo junemore year! (I combined sophomore and junior year)

This was a year characterized by dryness and slow growth. Not a good year, not a bad year. Just kind of...existent.
I was an orientation leader with Drew Duffy and also an Honors Orientation Leader of six blonde girls.
That, actually, was truly significant. I continued to mentor one of those girls throughout the remainder of my time at JBU.

Got a job working as a content developer for Creative Content Experts.
During Spring Break, I went to Jackson, Mississippi for a week long missions team thing and dug a trench.
Gained niece Libby Rose, born to brother Jon and wife Emily.
I presented my favorite college paper at a regional academic conference (the sacramental theology of spit)
This was also the year of my...boycott. It's exactly what it sounds like. I didn't do it legalistically or as a rule, there were just a lot of instances which occurred the second half of my Freshman year/summer that really put me off to any form of interaction with guys.
That summer I traveled to Northern Ireland with the Family and Human Services team. Fell in love with the country and culture. The rest of the summer, I interned for Tate Publishing. Among other things, I actually got to be both the ghost editor and "back matter" writer for a whole book. 
My people:
Lauren Ware (roommate)
Laura Parker (first semester)
Abby Chestnut (second semester transfer)
Anna Jackson (a reconnection from camp years)
Tracy Balzer (mentor)
Trifecta and Kira

Young and Wild and 21
Senior year was characterized by deep satisfaction and fountains of happiness and joy.
Sure, there were struggles and anxieties and I was really busy most of the time, but it was very near perfect.

-Orientation leader with Steve Sullivant.
-Class mentor for a Freshman Orientation Harry Potter course
-Spoke in chapel.
-Fell in love again, different than the first time.
 -Began mentoring another girl in addition to my H/O blonde.
-Taught Sunday School
-Played a pink panther and an assassin in another JBU production
-Wrote for the Threefold Advocate student newspaper
-Traveled to Chicago again for a weekend "immersion" trip.
-Lived in an intercultural townhouse. Abby and I found them on the eaglenet classifieds. It was amazing. A vanilla latte dream of latina/gringa goodness.
-Best friend Kira engaged to Tyler, best friend Caity engaged to Greg, niece Ella born to brother Jacob and wife Allison.
-Was accepted to Denver Seminary and Queen's University, Belfast.
-Spring Break Missions in New Orleans. Learned how to insulate a house.
-Wrote two books: WaterWorks and Woodsy
-Presented work at a national academic conference in Wisconsin.
-Placed 4th in a national writing contest for a paper on homelessness. 
-Graduated John Brown  University
-Cut off 9 inches of my hair.
The summer was spent in two parts. The first, I waitressed at Ted's Cafe Escondido. It was great learning experience, but I was unable to continue. The second, I worked with  my father at Iron Cross Automotive. Loved it. On the weekends, though, I trekked up to Siloam Springs and got loved on by my best friends. It was perfect. The best year of my life. No regrets.

My people:
Noah Baslé
Abby Chestnut (roommate)
The Perch (housemates)
Madison Stewart
Becca Ridings (Irish studies roommate)
Leslie Lancaster (Irish studies roommate)
Kristina Grimes Pugatch (cousin)
Steve Sullivant
Daniel Williams
Andrew Layden
Peter Myers
Adam Howard
Trifecta and Kira
Anna
Tracy Balzer (mentor)

I Guess We Made It, or At Least We Made it this far. 22. 

Results inconclusive. 

Forget and Not Slow Down

Relient K really does have a song for every life experience.
I don't care what you say, they're lyric geniuses and I have no intention of growing out of them.

New Years Eve.

Even though the conference still had a full day left, I had a tradition to uphold in Tulsa. And, because I am all about traditions and following-through, I came home to the arms of my beautiful best friend.

Now, we thought that no New Years party could top last year, but we were wrong.

Last year, Kira and I kicked off the night in our Forever Lazies, watching Pitch Perfect with champagne in hand. Then, after 45 minutes of desperate texts, heytells, and phone calls from Haley, we finally took pity on her, got off the couch, prettied up, picked her up, and headed over to Caity's.

Meant to be super creepy of us. This is just to give you a visual idea of the magic that is the Forever Lazy

Craig loves us. 

There, pie.

Next stop, our buddy Lauren's for bunko and silly string. Finally, we packed back into Bess (RIP, car) and took the party to my house. We blasted Ke$ha all the way there (making sure Hayhay kept all body parts in the car. Challenge) and howled at the moon in the street after I parked. More Pitch Perfect, some Barbie Sparkle Kingdom, and champagne, then sleep. Great night.

This year, Haley is in China and Caity is married, leaving Kira and I to our own devices.

Our group involved Kira's parents, her aunt and uncle, her brother and his three friends, her, me, and two other girls. And the dog. Can't forget the dog. Petunia hounded me all night. (HA).

I guess there wasn't anything super dynamic "do" wise, but it was, I think, the best New Years ever.

Her family is loud and brash and really loving and wonderful. We danced in the kitchen, laughed, played Uno, yelled (a lot), ate a lot of food, enjoyed contextual beverages, silly stringed one another, tried to watch a movie (asleep before a quarter over. all of us), got perpetually attacked by Petunia the dog, and ended up asleep, piled on the couch together. The next morning, we slept in till past noon and started the year off right with cookies and coffee.

Like I said, simple.

I've never liked parties. I always feel like I'm supposed to be doing or saying something and not doing it right. Not comfortable and more than usually have somewhere specific I'd really rather be.

I think that's why I liked it so much. Yeah, I kinda wished I could still be with my OneThing group (they actually missed me and FaceTimed me at midnight. So sweet), but where I was where exactly where I wanted to be. And Kira was exactly the person I wanted to be with.

Two Christmas breaks ago, I crawled into bed with my mom (yes, at 19) and cried, with just this weird gut feeling that by the next year, everything was going to be different. It was.

By the end of last Christmas break, Caity was engaged (Craig actually joined us for New Years last year). And Kira, too, was engaged by then.

Caity got married this summer. Kira gets married in six months. Haley is in a serious relationship and living in China.

So, this New Years wasn't like it it, necessarily, but in a way, it kinda was. Technically, last year was our final group of singleness and freedom, but I'm digressing from the point.

Things are changing. 




We're like, to that point where people are expecting us to do things like grow up and get married...or a dog. (Ten points, Cubby!). This time next year, Kira will join Caity's wife club. For that matter, so will Haley probably. And me? Who knows where I'll be or what I'll be up to.

But for one night, none of that stuff mattered. We just let ourselves forget about all it all and everything that's staring us in the face, and we were back to being silly teenage best friends. That made it the very best.