Probably at the root of that statement, they know it's the truth of what they need to be doing. Like, ya know, figure out who the heck they are outside of their definition and value found in a man. However, and guys listen to me on this, she is trying to find a way to let you down easy.
More than likely, her little self-vow will last just as long as it takes for somebody super hott and perfect-seeming comes along and shows her a little interest. Then it's all, "Oh my gosh, I'm so glad I was single for those 89 hours. God like totally prepared my heart for so and so!"
It's a typical Christian girl move.
I'm a little different. Go figure.
I don't think I've ever used that phrase. I have no problem owning the value of being single or being assertive when I just don't want to go out with you. There's no need for me to use God as a cover-up.
However, I will now use a phrase very close to that line. I don't think it's all that important for me to be single as much as I recognize the value and necessity of me being alone.
I found myself praying a couple weeks ago not that God would "use" me, but that he would occupy me. It's funny because that would be so completely the opposite of the point.
Regina Spektor (one of my absolute favorite music artists. such good Trifecta memories) has this fabulous line (all her lines are fabulous) that says, "your ears in your headphones to drown out your mind."
I have literally had my ears in headphones since I was an early teenager. I'd stick them in the moment I got in the car (with my sweet Walkman), so I didn't have to engage in the car chatter around me. I have them in when I study, when I drive, when I'm baking, when I'm getting ready in the morning (necessity. you can't toothbrush dance without a good jam), on the bus, walking to the bus, in the shower, all the time.
I listen to music or I'm on social media or I'm with friends or I've busied myself with meetings or classes.
And now, it's just me. With the music off and the friends far away and the boyfriend gone and the family far away too and my old life, which I really really liked, is gone.
The old self, however wonderful or terrible she was, is gone.
I don't know how I'd respond if someone were to ask me what I'm learning. I don't necessarily feel like I'm learning. I'm not even sure how I'm different. I just am. There are small, surface-level things that are changing, but they're just indicative of something more. I'm just not entirely certain what that something more is.
Who am I going to come home as? What am I going to come home to? Or what am I going to come home to do?
Those answers, I suppose, will show themselves in time. For now, I am choosing to learn something: to accept that feeling known by The Lord is enough.
That aspect has been the most difficult for me. I miss feeling known. I've made some lovely friends here, both from the JBU team and around Belfast, but they don't know me.
Skype and texting and letters are great, and I am so thankful for the way they've been able to help keep me in contact with my loved ones for the most part, but just being in the presence of someone who knows me, who I don't have to explain myself to...that cannot be replaced by a screen.
There doesn't even need to be talking or hugging (hugging would be really nice, though), but just to be in one another's presence. Immeasurable worth.
So there's one thing I've learned, and one thing I'm passing on to you.
-Take out the earbuds.
-Shut up with those petty angers and remarks. Patrick Kavanagh once said, "When we--or I at any rate--speak impromptuously, we tend to speak on the surface, expressing surface irritations of the moment. Out of repose the truth speaks." Amen, brother.
-If the only thing between the two of you (or between you and however many people you're pissed at) is your own pride, let it go. Your bitterness will only hurt you, and you're keeping yourself from so much love.
-Be present. So present. Don't check your watch. Don't check your emails or texts. They can wait. The person you're with is of infinitely more importance.
I have learned that spending time in any capacity with a person who gets you is the greatest gift you could ever be given.
God is teaching me to allow that person to be him, even if I can't see him or be with him like a best friend. He is my daily bread.
But if I get hungry...
Mama's banana bread recipe. :)
Like the awkwardly long pan? Me too. Sure beats mussing two different bread pans.
Also, Belfast moment here:
And with that, goodnight Belfast.
No comments:
Post a Comment