While I've been here, every single thing has gone wrong.
An aspect of each and every one of my most deeply seated fears has come to pass from my nightmare dreamscape and into my reality.
Every single one of my figurative bones was fisted and crumbled in the hands of my God through people and circumstances I had put faith in.
And I did not come out a phoenix.
I came out as blubbering, desperate, shaky, pale, unrecognizable pulp, asking "Who have I become here?"
I have experienced great darkness in my life before. It is terrible and has brought me to moments of unbelievable agony I once felt I could never escape.
This was different.
It was not suffocating darkness but a sword of light.
Lies didn't stick to me. Anxiety didn't overcome me. There was nothing for me to "overcome" necessarily.
Rather, I was being loved so fiercely that He couldn't allow "me" to survive. Good doesn't always feel good.
And then I hit the end. I spoke hope to myself and wrote hope on my blog (or tried to), but I absolutely could go no further.
And it was then, only then, when I was pulverized and defeat had been announced on every front, that God exploded into my life and provided for me a way out.
The fight that's been so always present in me was beaten out. My hope, my faith in myself, beaten out. Even when I thought everything that could be beaten out was beaten out, God found more.
And yet, I would choose this all again.
No question. No hesitation.
I am not afraid of next semester. After my time of restoration and recuperation, I will come back to the tepee of a life that God and I have built. It will be so good, and I'm even a little excited about what could be in store.
One day, one step at a time.
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