Striving for Stepford

I caught myself yet again in the beginning phases of self-construction recently.

Now, to some that might not at first seem like a bad thing. Construction is moving forward, moving up, building on.

I guess, for me, that's kind of the thing.

When things start going well, it's easy to start sliding God to the middle, then the back burner. "Thanks for handling that rough patch there, big fella. I've got it from here" sort of thing.

That's how they get you.

In Derek Mahon's poem entitled, "Circe and Sirens", Tiresias the blind prophet speaks to Odysseus about dangers to come, how those dangers will be unlike what he's prepared for.

We're so focussed readying ourselves for battles that we don't notice when the danger slips in through the side door dressed as a soldier.

Following God is putting on pants.
That never changes.

Sometimes I just forget.

And then I wake up with thoughts and concerns and anxieties that really ought not to be any of my thought or concern or anxiety to hold.

In that mindset, I begin to strive again, working to make people like me, respect me, and approve of me.

It's easy to do, is it not?

This slow shielding of ourselves to better our chances at convincing people we're just as glossy as we seem.

The more we do it, the more we're numbed to the memory of why being "good" ain't so good as it seems.

Thankfully, I realized what I was doing a lot more quickly than I usually do. Does that mean my screwing up is actually progress? I'd like to think so. And even if it's not, I choose to believe it is. Because either way, it is my chosen perception and God's direction alone that will alter the trajectory of who I will become.

I'm tired of playing games and being amusing to other people. I don't want any part of being in somebody's life just to amuse them or pass their time.

I'm not going to get huffy or shun others, but I also want to surround myself with people who actually like me, who are willing to engage with me in conflict but who are also just as willing to delight in who I am and where I am, no matter where that place is.

For me, that entails admitting when I do wrong, allowing myself to own up to the responsibility of whatever that is, entering in to that horrible, vulnerable state, and seeing who's still standing there at the end of the day.

The best part in doing that is just how daily it forces me to remember that I need Jesus and that, if any construction is going to be done to my person, it's gonna be him that does it. Not me.