Find that Funny Bone

There are wrong times for comic relief.
Believe me, I come from a family where we deal with (most) emotions by dealing out humor.

However, never underestimate the power of humor to dissipate anxiety and anger.

In my Family and Human Services classes, we learned about "repair attempts."

It's those things you do that bring uncontrollable situations into the realm of "Okay I can handle discussing this" again.

Sometimes, that's a 5 minute time out. For my professor's wife, all it takes is him touching her on the arm. I'm not sure what mine is, but I know that something that does work for me often is being taken off-guard by something that makes me smile. Sneak attack humor!

There's been a couple situations weighing on me pretty heavy since I got home (which makes some serious sense, considering how much drastic change I've gone through in such a short period of time), and twice yesterday was I brought out of my seriousness and into clarity.

The first was bestowed upon me by my boyfriend, who decided--mid-conversation about the acceptability of having feelings (something I struggle with sometimes) to ask me whether I thought women or men would live longer should one of their limbs be cut off, given that women are so much more conditioned to losing unreal amounts of blood. It was so...random. And I laughed.

Laughter has actual effects on the body.
Listen to just one of its benefits, stolen from the Mayo Clinic's website:
"Laughter enhances your intake of oxygen-rich air, stimulates your heart, lungs and muscles, and increases the endorphins that are released by your brain."

Later, I was at a party, where I came across two people I never anticipated being at said party. During the course of the evening, I ended up in the same conversation circle, and a mutual friend of myself and one of said non-wanteds was brought up.
This new acquaintance could not have known the context for why bringing up this mutual friend was funny, but it was enough for both me and the ex to have a moment of significant, amused eye-contact. Our first positive interaction in more than half a year. It was good.

My point in bringing up laughter and amusement and conversations/people I don't like is to say that even matters that seem so hard and fast in one direction can be altered with the smallest of actions.

It reminds me of something I read on pinterest once:

Laughter reminds us that we are human. And no matter how full of red hot emotion, are not unable to find a point of connection and relatability.

It's All In Your Head

No, I haven't been writing.

No, I haven't been writing at all.

Not letters, not content for my job, not in my journal, not on my blog.

The only word document that's gotten any love from me over the last month is my dissertation.

Let's be honest, it isn't going very well.

Sure, the research is done and the brainstorming has happened, and I've organized all my quotes and primary sources, but the actuality of writing this is just not coming along.

Wrote 4400 words.
Submitted them.
Received comments back saying it was interesting but needed an entirely different focus and direction.

I have a secret for you.
Please don't tell.
The literary community as a whole will for sure judge and ostracize me.

I don't get it.
I don't get literature.
Or its purpose.
Or why anyone would spend years of their life writing about literary theory.

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love literature--to a fault really.
I also enjoy reading up on the theory of it.

But what is the purpose?
I can't find it.

And because I can't find it, I can't write it.

Somehow, literary theory is like math to me.
And results in very near hysteria from me.
Okay, so not "very near".
Actual hysteria.
The hissy fit kind.

The truth is, professor, that I can't write on how the knowledge of family structure and mental health illuminates a global understanding of the literature because I don't know myself.

It's the same struggle I have with other human beings.
I can see when they are feeling something, but I don't know what it is or why or how to go about deciphering it.

My vision is so literal. It isn't for lack of study or effort on my part. It feels as though I am blind and deaf to that sort of thinking.

So yes. This is me admitting that I have spent four years of university coping, finding alternative strategies to writing my literature papers in order to avoid literary theory.

Remember that "impostor syndrome"?
In this area, it really isn't so much of a syndrome so much as it that I really have been tricking people into thinking I know what I'm doing and have now been found out.
I haven't the faintest idea of what I'm doing.


So yes, my life is full of wonderful things.
I'm so glad to be here in Siloam.
I love my job.
I like being around my friends and housemates so so much.
My blog writing will probably be filled primarily with strategies, small wins, and struggles of writing a dissertation for a few weeks.

Baby's First College Fair

Things I got paid to do yesterday:

1. Take a road trip.
2. Tell a whole bunch of high school seniors why JBU is the best dang place in the whole wide world.
3. Hang out with two of my favorite admissions counselors.

Is my job awesome? Why yes, yes it is.

Yesterday, Austin, Brandon, and I piled into our company Prius, and headed on down to Conway, Arkansas to reel us in some of them smartypants kids from the Arkansas Governor's School.

Our trainer Hannah was supposed to accompany us but unfortunately, she fell ill at the last minute. It was actually kind of nice, though, gave us a chance to be shoved out of the nest and fly by ourselves.

Mostly that involved dancing to "Fancy" (which is a completely ridiculous and mostly horrible song, but also horribly catchy) and gushing sparkles from our personality reservoirs

One down, 4322567214 to go (give or take).

Adulting

Multiple times over the past few months, I would have an abolute panic attack about this whole adult thing, moderated by times when I was like, "Oh no prob. I can take on the world." (Literally).

I feared that I would be totally faulty at my job, totally unable to cope with the Big Move, and totally overwhelmed by the sheer responsibility and commitment of a full time job.

That last part may still give me some nightmares, but overall, I have a little wee comment.

My brother Chon told me, upon my most recent freak out in May, that the best way to cope with it is just to do it. I just have to do it. And the fact of the matter is that I might actually be inadequate at my job, have moments of sucking at this new/old culture, and overwhelmed, but I would be superhuman (or inhuman) if that were not true.

He also sent me a link to Paramore's song, "Ain't it Fun".

Chon was right.

With enormous things, sometimes the only choice you have is just to turn around and face it, even if you don't think you have much to face it with.

There's a chance that I wrote on this before (worth writing on again), but a few months ago, I was reading the Bible and re-read the section of the armour of God:
Ephesians 6:10-13:

¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

And after you have done everything, to stand.

We align ourselves with Jesus, put what we've got on the line, and then we wait and we trust that if have followed where He led us, then He's going to show up and give power to our meager attempts at being sufficient.

We show up.

We turn and face our giants.

We adult.

And everything is okay. 

Processing Forgiveness

When I came into University as a Freshman, I, along with my other fresh-people, had to take a "StrengthsFinder" test.

Unsurprisingly, my top strength was "Achiever."
I enjoy recreationally being good at things, pretty regardless of what that thing is.

I study the situation, figure out a method and plan of attack, and start in slowly toward success until success is achieved.

The funny thing about forgiveness is that it doesn't really work that way. At one moment, you might be all in, all there, truly "feeling" the forgiveness.

Then it's two weeks later and the anger is like lava in your rib cage, seeping toward your heart.
It's ugly. And you're confused. "Didn't I work through this?"

I am right there in the midst, yet again, of cooling and chipping off that volcanic rock.

Life happened while I was away.
Shoot, life is happening in NI while I'm gone from it, too.

And that's weird, but it's true.

I still don't think I've experienced any culture shock--other than the professional kind--but in that way, in the sense of turning into my own present reality all the little and big changes that have occured in my absense, I am still reeling a bit.

My first "test" did not go super well, but I'm learning. I'm growing. And I'm letting go--again--of what I thought I had already let go of.

Every day we re-start over.

Big Girl Job: Week 1

Did I mention how completely structure-less my life was in NI?

It's worth mentioning. Or mentioning again.

Except for that 10am tea break, there ain't nothin' scheduled.

I went to class once a week, give or take. In the middle of the afternoon.

For a year, I existed in this weird 'I do what I want when I want' state.

I've got a riddle for you: What's tea-less and steel-structured?

The Adult Work Week.

8:30-5 every. single. day.

Yes, I recognize that none of you have an ounce of pity for me, "Uh. Yah. Duh. That's what being an adult looks like", but it is a pretty insane culture shock for me. There are a lot of naps involved in my life right  now.

Overall, though, I think I'm going to really like my job once I get going.

My fangirl for JBU thing comes in handy when leading campus tours, and I'm reading through the history of JBU (not helping the fangirl thing).

One particlarly interesting thing I've learned while reading is that John E. Brown Senior tried to leave Siloam nearly 6 times (I haven't finished the book; it could be more). More than that, he attempted to move the entire university over to Sulpher Springs for a few years, too.

And yet, every single time, he came back to her.

Once you find her, you never leave her.
It was never my plan or intention to be here right now, but yet here I am!! And I love it here.
Yes, it's small and a little dinky and we've got amish in our Walmart, but it's a place you want to call home. It's a place you want to build your bookshelves.

It's a place where you can TP your boss's office and not get fired...

What You've Missed: The Move

It wasn't enough that I moved continents about 11 days ago. Nope! I needed to hop on across the state line as well.

It's official! I am now living in Siloam Springs, Arkansas. I won't say I'm a resident there yet (though all my paperwork is filled out with my new semi-permanent address), but this is where I live now.

Ain't she cute and southern with her front porch and all? 

I am the newest resident of Glenwood Gables, with my housemates Sarah and Liz. However, Liz has yet to appear back from Vacation, so I've just been getting to know Sarah. 

Already I love them. They could not be sweeter. When I arrived at the house, they'd moved in my desk and bedframe that had been in their garage (a system of internationally buying things off my university's classified ads, my parents graciously transferring them, and then to storage at the Gables), put a vase of flowers in my favorite color, and written me notes/put little gifts around the house. 

They made my transition to Arkansas fun and sweet and easy. I've been very blessed. 

And then, of course, there's Walmart. 

Okay so maybe I have missed the south just a little bit.