Often I am astounded by my—really all people’s—ability to smooth over the gaps that people leave in my life. Not only people. Concepts as well. I fear growing up with all my soul and bemoan my loss of childhood. But at the same time, I don’t even notice its gradual loss. I only notice at times when I’m playing with a younger child and am repulsed by my instantaneous thought of “I feel so silly.”
We just move on.
The greatest of these “move ons” is with people though. Looking back on my life, I see people who at one point I couldn’t imagine my life without. But I am without them. And don’t really care. You can dig a hole in the sand, but the ocean is just going to come and wash it away. It may just be me. But I doubt it.
This ability simply shocks me. It almost panics me honestly. Because I don’t want that hole to be filled. I liked it. I want to remember. I want to miss people. I want them to miss me. But I know full well that I won’t and they won’t.
At one point I was sitting across a table from someone I care about deeply and quietly said to them “in five years time you won’t even know who I am.” I lean towards cynical and was serious, but I was also playing this song in my head as I said it…
Noah and the Whale’s In 5 Year’s Time
In 5 years time, I might not know you.In 5 years time, we might not speak at all.In 5 years time, we might not get along.In 5 years time, you might just prove me wrong.
My friend did not appreciate the sentiment. But that friendship has been largely smoothed over already. People move on. It’s our nature. And this isn’t to complain or to evoke pity. That isn’t my goal. It’s just an observation of what I find an unfathomable truth.
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